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Let me get this off my chest.
For the most part, I've been posting reviews on films that I greatly admire, some I grew up with, and some that have shaped my perspective on cinema, for better or worse. But I've never really discussed in-depth about movies that are truly awful. (And let's be honest, we've each seen more than our share.) Here's a breakdown of 12 of the absolute worst movies yours truly has ever seen.
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Being the Dr. Seuss fan that I am, I wanted to like this movie. Even when I knew it was savaged by critics when it was first released, I wanted to believe it was better than most people were giving it credit for. In retrospect, now that I'm older and a little wiser, I realize how disappointing this movie really was and still is. Not to mention the fact that it gives its source material such a bad wrap. The best way to describe this live-action adaptation (starring Mike Myers as the mischievous feline) is as an impeccably well-designed set piece being treated like a giant litter box. One good thing that resulted from this: the succeeding Horton Hears a Who (2008) proved that animation was the best medium for adapting Seuss's books.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Stanley Kubrick's controversial dystopic thriller, based on Anthony Burgess's equally-controversial novel, is one of the most explicit films I've ever seen. A two-and-a-half-hour saga about a sadistic and rebellious youth and his hoodlum gang of friends who revel in ultraviolence, rape, and Beethoven. That is, until the former is imprisoned, sent to a mental institution, and brainwashed by a government organization conducting social and mental experiments. I made a horrible mistake watching this once, and never want to again.
Fant4stic (2015)
This 2015 take on Marvel Comics' first "family" of superheroes had a lot of potential. Director Josh Trank had success with the genre with his previous film (2012's found-footage thriller Chronicle), so this seemed like another straight shot. What resulted, however, was another case of intense behind-the-scenes drama, massive studio interference, and a finished film that was cold and convoluted. While Trank disowned Fant4stic prior to its release, it reportedly cost him the directing gig for the third Star Wars movie in the sequel trilogy (but that's another story). They still haven't gotten these characters right in the movies. Fingers crossed for the MCU.
Howard the Duck (1986)
Speaking of Marvel, their first official attempt at a live-action film adaptation is notorious for being unbelievably cheesy, loud, and ridiculous. If that's not enough, there's interspecies sex and even duck nudity. At least the MCU's brief rendition of the space mallard can wipe some of those horrendous memories clean.
Independence Day: Resurgence (2016)
An anticipated sequel to one of the biggest box-office hits of the 1990s, there was a lot to be excited about, including the return of franchise favorite Jeff Goldblum. But as soon as the film opened, I was lost. Likewise, this flick gets lost in mindless special effects, poorly-written characters, and a complete lack of Will Smith (who, ironically, starred in another big cinematic disappointment that same year: DC's supervillain mashup, Suicide Squad). One of the rare occasions where I wanted my ticket money back.
Justice League (2017)
I'll be honest, I initially let this lackluster "theatrical" release slide. But having followed the DCEU from Day One, and especially after Zack Snyder's official version of DC's superhero team finally saw the light of day in 2021, I can see how dreadful Warner Bros ran this 2017 version into the ground. Worst of all, it made the characters generic, exploited, and without any real or genuine stakes. The color grading and overall look of the movie also leaves a bad taste in your mouth. You can gain a lot more respect for Snyder after watching this wasted opportunity.
Little Nicky (2000)
We can all agree that Adam Sandler has made more than his share of awful movies in his career. So this choice was a bit of a toss-up between the homophobic bromance I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (2007), the horrendous Jack & Jill (2011), and the waste of talent that was Grown-Ups (2010). But I'm going with the 2000 spiritual comedy Little Nicky, in which Sandler plays the youngest son of Satan and must find and retrieve his older brothers in New York, where they plan to raise their own Hell on earth. Most secular critics and Sandler fans agree that Little Nicky is a broad, raunchy comedy with tasteless gags and characters, not to mention Sandler's ear-scratching voice out of the side of his mouth for the entire runtime. It also wastes a talented cast, including late comedian Rodney Dangerfield, Scorsese regular Harvey Keitel, and Patricia Arquette. I agree more with one reviewer who best described this movie as "warped theology".
Monkeybone (2001)
Stop-motion veteran Henry Selick helmed this live-action/animated fantasy about a cartoonist who falls into a coma and wakes up in an underworld where his animated creations (including a sex-crazed talking chimp) roam free. When the titular primate takes control of the man's human body, the dweebish protagonist races to stop him while in the dead corpse of an Olympic gymnast. Although Brendan Fraser is best remembered for many iconic 90s and 2000s movies, this dark and surreal comedy isn't one of them. Not only did distributor Fox make the terrible mistake of marketing this PG-13-rated flick to kids, but it failed to find an audience in general. It's not really a movie for anybody, with that in mind. At least Selick bounced back with stop-motion work on Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic three years later, while there are plenty of other noteworthy Fraser pics to choose from.
Sausage Party (2016)
Another film I deeply regret seeing in theaters (primarily for the purpose of going to a movie with friends). Now, I'm all for animation being more than a kids' medium, as there are many great examples for more mature audiences (Marjane Satrapi's 2007 semi-autobiography Persepolis, Wes Anderson's 2009 adaptation of Roald Dahl's Fantastic Mr. Fox). Sausage Party is really nothing more than a raunchy sex comedy disguised as a demented CGI tale of talking food products, with a male frankfurter and a female bun as two of the film's leads. (If that's not shameless subliminal imagery, I don't know what is). Believe me, it's not worth it. At least audience scores on Rotten Tomatoes are "rotten," indicating this party is out of date.
Son of the Mask (2005)
If you want any indication of an original hit movie that is untouchable, I give you this pointless and dreadful sequel. Picking up years after Jim Carrey's Stanley Ipkuss last donned the ancient mask of Loki, that same Norse god of mischief (played by Alan Cumming) is on a quest to find that prized possession and return it to his father Odin (Bob Hoskins, buried beneath layers of makeup). He soon finds it in the home of a bumbling cartoonist (Jamie Kennedy, a naturally funny comedian who is wasted in such a role), who had a child with his girlfriend while wearing the green face. The slapstick mayhem that ensues, particularly between Baby Alvey and pet dog Otis, is bombastic, horrendous, and downright creepy. Stick with Jim Carrey, or the animated series from the 90s.
South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut (1999)
The hard-R animated movie to end all hard-R animated movies. Based on the boundary-pushing adult cartoon series by creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the duo intentionally made this feature-length adaptation as vile and offensive as they could--and they did it again years later with the marionette war romp, Team America: World Police. South Park: BL&U follows four third-grade boys who sneak into an R-rated movie and quickly outrage their overly-sensitive parents, who in turn declare war on Canada and inadvertently unleash Hell on earth. Late film critic Roger Ebert perhaps said it best: "[The film] is slashingly, fearless satire, that's true. But it's also so mean. It is so mean-spirited, and so negative. And you feel, as you sit in the audience, even when you're laughing, you're not proud of what you're laughing at." Believe it or not, I actually tried writing a piece on this film, with the intention of being a voice of discernment for readers or viewers who do watch this material. But I eventually realized it would send the wrong message, so I scrapped it. I hope, now, I can convince you to avoid this foul-mouthed musical that is the farthest thing from innocent and cheerful, as its paper-cut-style animation makes it look.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
I do credit this film for changing my perspective on blockbuster movies. The moral: Just because a flick has awesome action and special effects doesn't mean it's going to be great. That certainly was the case with this ugly monstrosity that had very little to do with the Hasbro playthings it was supposedly based on. The movie instead heavily relies on CGI bombast and uncalled-for sexual content. It wasn't until three overlong sequels later that 2018's standalone Bumblebee finally got this film franchise right.
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